Ladies and Gentlemen, we at the Conservative Daily News have uncovered an old transcription of Barack Obama getting psychoanalysis from Dr. Sigmund Freud. This medical records transcription lays bare Obama’s psyche for the world to see and, quite by accident, gives us an understanding into why his birth certificate remains hidden—just think how old this transcription must be! Let’s read it now, shall we?
Receptionist: Your 2 o’clock is here, Dr. Freud.
Freud: Thank you, Lillie, send in the beclowned.
<Various rustling noises.> We’ll now skip the intros and move the recording right ahead to the therapy session in order to save time.
Freud: You are king of the world for one day. As king, you have to order the beheading of one conservative. Who will that person be?
Obama: Just one day? That’s not fair! That’s not the change I was looking for! Who do you think you are treating me like this? Did the HildaBeast bribe you to ask me that question? Look, I know where you are coming from and let me tell you what—I’m not the crazed sex poodle around here! I know this former V.P. dude and I’ll let you in on something—spend some time in a hotel room with that guy and you’ll forget what side of the sheet your back is rubbed on! Curl my hairs? Hell, curl his hairs! And put a bob on his tail, if you know what I mean!
Freud: <sigh>…Calm down, Barry. Just answer the question and then we’ll be able to proceed. Now, which conservative do you most want to behead?
Freud: But of course, Barry. Now be a good little community organizer and tell me the name of the conservative you would most like to fillet with a guillotine.
Obama: Do I have to close Gitmo, too?
Freud: No, Barry—Just the beheading.
Obama: Hmmmm, it’s a tempting thought. Of course Mitt Romney comes to mind. Talk about having a bad hair day, ROFL!!! Of course, George Custer had a bad hair day at the Little Big Horn. And then there is “The Donald.” If anyone needs a close shave it’s that bombastic real estate salesman. But you know those guys aren’t even close to the Top 10. Wow, this is tougher than Las Vegas Week on American Idol. Tougher than paying for one of Michelle’s vacations, too! Now, don’t go blaming me for those vacos, that’s all the First Lay’s fault. Crap, there I went forgetting the “d” again! That wasn’t a Freudian slip was it, doc? Oh well, I know you’re not going to answer that question. Sooooo…who’s the lucky stiff? Well, if I had to choose just one…
Freud: We’re on the clock, Barry. Just answer the question and we’ll be able to keep the cost down.
Obama: I don’t care about keeping the cost down.
Freud: So I hear…now, please, just answer the question.
Obama: Fine. If I had to pick just one it would be…naw, I can’t go with that chicken Huckabee. If you cut off the Huckster’s head, he would still run around for 20 years but the lousy bastard wouldn’t lay any edible eggs. Hey, eggs! I really crack me up sometimes! Oh, you’re not laughing. Oh, all right, getting serious here…I pick Ted Nugent.
Freud: Hmmmmm… I see… now why would that be?
Obama: Cuz back in the day, August 21, 2007 in fact, Nugent was giving a concert in Michigan and he informed the crowd that he had told me to suck on his machine gun.
Freud: And you took offense at that?
Obama: It’s a lie. We don’t even know each other—At least in the Biblical sense.
Freud: So let me get this straight… you’re opposed to lies now?
Freud writes a note in his notepad: “I wonder if Obama ever lifts his nose to the sky and Pez comes out of his neck?”
Obama: I can’t stand this dirty job. All I want to do is go home to Chicago.
Freud: Speaking of dirty, Mister Obama, what brand of washing machine do you own?
Obama: A Whirlpool. I like the spin.
Freud: Perhaps you should invest in a Maytag. You’ll be much happier with a Maytag. In fact the Maytag Company has a new washing machine named after you. The agitator goes back and forth faster and then it steals your clothes.
Obama: Can’t we just stick to the subject, doc? I have a hard enough time understanding Ken…uh… kenyah economics.
Freud: Oh, I thought you said “Keynsian” economics. You mean “Kenyan” economics? Oh….Huh….hmm.
Obama: Can I ask a question about another patient?
Freud: Sure, but I won’t divulge anything of a private nature between doctor and patient.
Obama: Oh, I don’t think it is very private. All I want to know is if Barney Frank is in touch with his feelings.
Freud: Like I said, I won’t divulge anything of a primate, uhhh… correction, of a private nature between doctor and patient.
Obama: Oh, gotcha.
Freud: Why did you appoint Debbie Wasserman-Schultz to become the new head of the Democratic Party?
Obama: Look, don’t blame me for your sex obsessed psycho theories! Wasserman could be Nancy Pelosi’s and Alan Grayson’s love child, for all I know.
Freud: Just askin’. Sheesh. I know she does Florida and Dallas but I just didn’t figure her for the type that did the Beltway, too.
Freud writes another note: “The Obama Administration is the meth lab of democracy.”
Obama: blab, blab, blab So, as I was saying to the missus “Look Eve, I appreciate the thought, but a fig leaf would have been fine. Blah, blah, blah.
Freud: Another note: “Obama is a boiled sprat. Hmmmm, my dyslexia must be icking kin.”
Freud: So, Barry, when does this hope and change thing kick in?
Obama: That does it! I’m getting out of here. You’re accusing my Kool-Aid of starting to taste funny!
Freud: Mellow out, Jackwagon! Relax. Take a deep breath. Now, tell me why you went to the White House Easter Egg Roll. The kids were confused. They expected a bunny, not a community organizer.
Obama: The Chinese paid for it and they asked me to host the event.
Freud: Can I have an order of rabbit fried rice with that Easter Egg Roll? Oh, sorry, Barry. But those weren’t the first eggs laid by your Administration.
Obama: That’s okay… but I need a vacation after that busy weekend!
Freud: You really should have renamed the Easter Egg Roll to Kick the Can Down the Road.
Obama: Oh, I know. Michelle told me that hosting an egg roll was pushing the limits of my leadership.
Freud: I heard the Energizer Bunny was invited but his Chevy Volt broke down and he was unable to make it.
Receptionist: Sorry to break in, Doctor Freud. But I was going to call the deli for your afternoon snack. Got any special requests?
Freud: I’ll take a Kloppenburger to go, please. Hold the pickles. No! I changed my mind. I’ll take two McJobs and an Illegal Alien to go. Oh, Lillie, please order this for Michelle. Barry’s bringing lunch back for her. Now, getting back to business, Barry—during the coming week I want you to concentrate on not lying so much.
Freud: Another note: “For Obama, lying is an art form. It’s what happens when he thinks the media will just curtsy and blow kisses.”
Obama: Thanks, Doc. You’ve given me a lot to think about. See you Tuesday.
Obama walks to the door while Dr. Freud holds his breath. Freud writes one final note in his notebook.
“Benjamin Franklin wrote: ‘Fish and visitors smell in 3 days’. Obama has them both beat by a landslide.’”