So one evening I was at work polishing my crystal balls when what do you know, Barack Hussein Obama enters my office, seeking a palm reading and his horoscope. Glug, now this is gonna hurt! But an astrologer has gotta do what an astrologer has gotta do. Now I’m gonna have to go do the Voodoo that I do so well!
Obama sat himself down in a chair on the other side of the table. I’m still in shock that he’s actually here – perhaps my turban is wound up too tight! I check it. Nope, it’s okay. I momentarily regret being a man of the cloth. I take courage and stretch forth my hands, indicating to Obama that he is to place the palm of his left hand in my hands. He gingerly reached out and placed his palm where I could plainly see it.
I immediately noticed that his Mind line pointed straight to the Moon mount. I also noticed that the Moon mount was pointed in the direction of Larry Sinclair, who was still awaiting his turn out in the lobby. “Ohhhhh!” I said, “Have you read any good books lately?” My vast training and experience were kicking in as I knew that the Mind line pointing down to the Moon mount meant that Obama was a lover of literature. “Why, yes!” replied Obama. “I’m right in the middle of a book about the birth of the U.S. Navy. It’s titled ‘To The Shores of Tripoli.’” I nodded wisely. “Yes,” I said. “That book is a real beach.”
Now I turned my attention to Obama’s Heart line. Yowzers! There was no Heart line! Now my mind was racing! I considered the possibility that Obama had just arrived from Mars. “Are you some kind of alien, perhaps?” I inquired of Obama. “How can you have no heart line and no feelings at all?” Then he stunned me. “That’s nothing,” replied Obama. “I don’t have a birth certificate, either.” Now this was getting interesting. “Hawaii?” I asked. “Beats me” said Obama, playing his Trump card, “Kenya lend me yours?” I felt Barry’s pain. Trump had him by the short form and was squeezing Barry pretty hard. “Have you noticed yourself speaking in a high-pitched voice lately,” I asked Obama. “Has Jesse Jackson been talking to you,” asked Obama right back at me, obviously still angry about Jackson’s threat to cut off his cajones. “How about some coffee,” I replied, trying to defuse the situation. “I hear you like it with sugar. One lump or two?” Obama reacted violently, slamming his hand down on the table. “I hate your double entendres,” yelled Obama. “Can’t you just give me a simple reading?” Sigh, the patient was being difficult. “I suppose you didn’t have your ham and eggs for breakfast, did you?” I inquired of BarackyBoy. That popped his cork. Obama leaped to his feet and rushed up behind me. So I turned around and kicked him square in the cash and prizes. Bingo! The attitude adjustment session was over!
After getting the Secret Service dudes to haul Renegade (his Secret Service code name) back in his chair, we continued with the palm reading. I peeked at his Life line. Now this was interesting! It forked downwards, which meant that Obama tended to be pessimistic and an introvert. “So how are you and Michelle getting along?” I asked Obama. “I know it’s a heavy question but it’s also quite important.” I only asked the question because according to Fox News, Michelle Odrama had just made another controversial statement about just now being proud of her country for the first time in her adult life. “You leave my wife outta this,” groaned Obama, still rubbing what was left of his mashed potatoes. “You mean wives, as in plural, don’t you?” I inquired. I kept a straight face. After all, I’m a professional. “You either have more than one wife or the Michelle O’tractor is hauling a really wide load,” I said. I couldn’t help it. I had visions of Michelle dressed like a hippo in lace. “I can’t lie to you,” said Obama. Now that was a first! “The military had to call in a load master to get her into Air Force One for the trip to Brazil. And the captain told me if we hadn’t been taking off from Andrews Air Force Base’s extra long runway that we never would have gotten airborne!” It was then that I remembered that Michelle was on TV hawking her anti-obesity pills. Michelle’s words came back to me…fade to black…fade in Michelle’s Infomercial… “Hi there. I’m Michelle Obama and I just lost 85 pounds on the Obama-system program in just 104 weeks. That’s right; I lost 85 pounds in just 104 weeks. Just think, in another 104 weeks, you’ll be rid of me completely.” Hallelujah!!! Being the professional that I am, I recalled that obesity is up in every state but Nevada. Nutritionists cite the aerobic benefits of gambling with prostitutes. And now Harry Reid wants to put a stop to it. This reminded me that New York City is considering a ban in the use of trans fats for cooking. While trans fats may soon be illegal, fat trannies are still going to be allowed to graze unsupervised in piano bars across the city. Life just ain’t fair. For example, Africa is facing a growing obesity problem and the World Health Organization predicts it will get worse. This is a tragic turn of events, since it’s hard for Michelle to get her kids to eat their chicken nuggets with, “Eat your dinner, there are millions of fat people in Africa.” Sigh, my work on the Life line was done. Gotta keep moving forward and get this palm reading over with once and for all.
Finally, I began my examination of Obama’s Destiny line. I saw that his Destiny line overlapped the Life line and was long and strongly marked. “Your Life line tells me that you are convinced that your life is under the control of your destiny and does not depend on your own decisions,” I told Obama. “Rather, you believe in a collective salvation for all mankind, Comrade.” Obama pulled himself straight up in his chair, ignoring his throbbing purple nurples. “At least I don’t bitterly cling to my guns and my religion,” Obama replied. “Yeah,” I said, “But you sure have a firm grip on your Cass Sunsteins,” pointing at his pain. “Look,” I said. “I’m really just trying to help you. Let me give you some advice – the same bit of advice I gave to Barney Frank. I know, I know, two leftists don’t make a right. That’s true. Look, here it is. Take it or leave it. But you really shouldn’t run for re-election. You’ve got (pointing at his Sunsteins) the worst case of Electile Dysfunction I have ever seen.”
Obama’s time was up. He had paid for the session with other people’s money and their cash had just run out. Obama almost reached the door when he turned back and said “Okay, you did the palm reading but you still owe me for the horoscope.” Sigh. “Fine, take your seat again” I said. He had me, I owed it to him.
I took a deep breath and then spilled the beans. “Until November 2012 transiting Neptune will be 180° to your Node. This shows further undermining of your marriage, as the Node is in his seventh house of marriage. It is also a time where you will find it very difficult to adjust to the people around you, both at home and in Libya. You will tend to mistrust people and will be easily disappointed by them. It will be easy for you during this time to form wrong ideas about other people or associates such as the HildaBeast whom, you know, craves your office. This will be a time in your life when relationships with others can be severely undermined and lead to great disappointment.
“Transiting Saturn is also 45º to your Node until November 2012. It shows you, President Obama, in a very difficult situation, where your ties with others are based on suffering, and mass bombings in Libya or other difficulties. People in close contact with you will be sick or in emotional crises because of you and your limp noodle decision-making abilities. If you do not show goodwill in this time, alienation from others can occur. As if there is any question at all about that one.
“So, until November 2012 both Saturn and Neptune are transiting through your Node. Hurts don’t it? The Saturn, Neptune and Node combined indicate that you, Barack Obama, will be in a state of depression in the presence of others, experience joint suffering (smoke em’ out back) and possible mourning and bereavement due to the people of the United States waking up to their awful state. This is an incredibly difficult astrological combination for an arrogant man like yourself who has no choice but to constantly meet many people, especially when many of the people you meet during this time will try to make huge, unreasonable demands upon you, such as real budget cuts. If you are not extremely diplomatic during these times, you could become involved in many disputes and require multiple vacations to unwind.
“President Obama, Uranus (yup, you heard me right) is transiting Venus at 90º until November, 2012. There may be a “forced” (180º) change (Uranus) in your family, as Michelle O’Venus rules your 4th house of home and family. Uranus- Venus combinations can mean an intense sexual relationship, but in your case, I seriously doubt it. Your horoscope has Sun 90º Neptune, indicating the potential for chaotic conditions and entanglement in scandals.” Whew, I was done. I had given more value to him then he had given the American people his entire two years in office. And to top it off, I didn’t charge nearly as much as he did!