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Ex-lax and Quarters: Initiating Noob Voters

Upon completion of Boot Camp, new soldiers in the Israel Defense Force (IDF) hike to the top of an isolated mountain fortress. The fortress is Masada – where in 73 A.D. a group of Jewish rebels committed mass suicide rather than allow themselves to be taken prisoners or killed by the Roman Legion besieging them. Once the IDF soldiers reach the summit they participate in a ceremony initiated by former Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Dayan. Considered sacred ground by Israelis, Masada was chosen by the IDF for swearing-in ceremonies because of its rich heritage in Jewish history. At the conclusion of the ceremony the newly-minted soldiers cry out “Masada Shall Not Fall Again!”

Given the collective national nightmare currently being endured by the citizens of the United States of America, perhaps a similar ceremony should be held for all teenagers when they reach their 18th birthdays – voting age. It would be an awe-inspiring ritual designed to ingrain within young minds full of mush the idea that freedom isn’t cheaply won.

Before sunrise on their 18th birthdays a bus stops in front of each teenager’s home. Rustled from bed by a driver with such ginormous ears that even the dudes at IHOP would be like ‘daaayyyyymmmm!’  - Each young adult is handed a Slurpee and then told to sit in the back of the bus. Why, you ask? – Because the front seats are already filled with commies, scum-sucking liberals, socialists, Marxists, illegal aliens, and Jerold Nadler, not necessarily in that order. A bus is the preferred method of transport cuz’ it’s considered the worst way of getting a murdered corpse to its dump site. It’s like “dude let’s not take the bus. This corpse ain’t getting any fresher!” Besides, there’s plenty of room under it – More on that later.

Minutes later, a herd of Skittles-pooping purple unicorns charges out from under a rainbow, while tooting their own horns. Mimicking the aggressive nature of snipes, which have been known to attack RVs, the unicorns ram the right side of the bus again and again, forcing those in the back to cower near the emergency exit while hugging Nancy Pelosi. Eventually, all the unicorns wander off, leaving the noobs holding the bag. Of course, by this time the Slurpees are almost gone – which royally sucks.

Before starting out again, the driver passes out bottles of Ex-lax and rolls of quarters. Each noob is then told to swallow the quarters, washing each coin down with a big swig of the laxative. Now, properly filled with Hope and Change, the new recruits are ready for the next stage – which goes quite smoothly at times.

Upon arrival at a make-believe voting precinct the young minds full of mush (hmmm, same thing could be said for their colons) are ordered out of the bus and then intimidated by members of the New Black Panther Party.  Police arrive on the scene almost immediately, along with a judge, who sets up a Kangaroo court. The newly-arrested Black Panthers are tried and sentenced by the judge. Just when it appears all is lost – Eric Holder appears, sprinkles fairy dust on the Black Panthers and declares them innocent – although they’ve just been convicted. Inspired by the turn of events, the Black Panthers head back out to the parking lot to await the next group of pimply-faced teens.

Ready or not, the noobs are ushered into the actual voting location. Here they are instructed that voting is a privilege given to a citizen to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Example: Guy A: Who are you voting for? Guy B: I am going to vote for Barack Obama for ’09. Like the dudes at IHOP said, ‘daaayyyyymmmm!’

Now they are instructed in the fine art of voting. A popular belief among noobs is dispelled. It seems young-uns think that they elect the president directly. Wrong! You actually choose people to vote, called electors. These electors promise that if they are elected, they will vote for a specific candidate. However, they do not have to hold to this, and last minute bribes can be done. If there is enough time, the youngsters enter the Holodeck, where they get the chance to visit Las Vegas and experience massive voter fraud first-hand. Sharon may have had her Angle, but Hairy had his Reed. Money can buy anything, including ballots.  Noobs are taught to vote early, and often! They are instructed in the fine arts of voting while dead, voting while in prison, voting in multiple precincts, and impersonating an elections official. This is all done while Hippies in the background chant “We want it all! We want it all! We want it all! And we want it now!” Apologies to Queen.

Now comes the fun part. The Black Panthers come in, demand cash from the noobs, and then give it to union workers, who have been out back smoking a few joints. This leads to a group discussion on socialism. Some noob points out that a socialist is just a person who thinks that the hard working people should share their paychecks with their lazy neighbors, just because they have more money. At that point the noob gets knee-capped. And the poor noob has to pay for his own health care because there is no more money in Obama’s stash, or something.

At this point the noobs are in the proper state of mind for a serious discussion on Barack Insane Obama – the Messiah for brain-dead Democrats.  Now the tables start to be turned. The grope leader (oops, sorry Bill Clinton), I meant “group” leader, explains that Obama is a term for taking from one group and giving to another with no rhyme or reason, other than to buy votes. The recipients of such largesse then typically spend their Obama money on smokes, booze, or lottery tickets. For example: I got my Obama check today. I gonna go buy some cigarettes and beer now.

By now the quarters start popping out with such force that they embed themselves in the Hippies leaning up against the wall facing the noobs’ buttocks. The noobs are anxious to peek at the peace-loving mess but the group leaders show them no quarter. Now that’s change we can believe in!

It’s been an exhausting day. But there is still one lesson to learn. The House of Representatives has been saved. The Senate isn’t quite within grasp. And Captain Kickass is still in the White House until 2012. Marched back out to the parking lot, the noobs are attacked by the Black Panthers and thrown under the Loser Cruiser. And then, broken but unbowed, and down but not out, the noobs finally get a clue. Their defiant voices are heard coming from under the bus. “The United States shall not fall again!”

It was all worth it. Noobs no longer, the new voters take their places alongside their elders, ready to do battle in 2012. Coming at you, Barry! Teanami, the Movie…take two!

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