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Volunteer for Rahm Emanuel: NOT!

Imagine my pleasant surprise and unrestrained joy when I received the following E-mail message a few minutes ago:

Dear Polar,

Hi, I’m Kristin Avery, the new Volunteer Coordinator at Chicago for Rahm.

I just finished my first day on the job organizing the outpouring of support and generous volunteer offers you’ve sent through the website, Facebook, and Rahm’s stops on the “Tell It Like It Is” tour.

All I can say is thank you.

I can tell we have an incredible group of grassroots supporters ready to go and do what it takes to help Rahm get elected. And we’re ready to get started.

Our first order of business: to help Rahm get the 12,500 signatures from registered voters he needs by November 15th to get on the ballot.

To get the ball rolling, we’ll be hosting a Petition Drive Kick-off this weekend, October 16th and 17th. We have 3 hour shifts available on Saturday at 10am and 2pm and Sunday at 12pm and 3pm. We plan to meet at 33 South State Street then head out to starting collecting signatures.

If you’d like to attend the Petition Drive Kick-off, drop me a line at volunteer@chicagoforrahm.com – and be sure to mention which shift you’d like to attend.

Have a friend who’s interested in volunteering? Feel free to bring them along.

If you’d like to volunteer and haven’t signed up yet, you can at our brand new Volunteer sign-up page.

Thank you for all that you do – I’m excited to meet you at one of our upcoming events and get our petition drive underway!

Thanks,

Kristin Avery
Volunteer Coordinator, Chicago for Rahm

Gee, Kristin, I’m really glad that you appreciate all that I do – but somehow I get the feeling that you aren’t up-to-date on exactly what it is that I really do with my life. Furthermore, what’s this bogus claim that I’ve poured out my most generous support for Ballerina Boy through his cute little website, Facebook page, or through making a personal appearance where I allegedly squealed with delight at the President of the Dead Fish Club when he stopped by for a chat? Kristin, perhaps we should hit the Reset Switch on our close personal friendship. You can begin by telling it like it is – there, don’t you feel better already? Good!

Now I’ll reciprocate by rewriting your letter for you – I am a volunteer, don’t cha’ know.  Besides, we commies got to stick together, comrade! So here it is, hope you like it! And you just gotta’ admit it’s an improvement over the first draft – which stunk on ice.

Dear Polar,

Hi, I’m Kristin Avery, the new Volunteer Coordinator at Chicanery for Rahm, and I’m thrilled that my Daddy got me this gig through his “special connections” down at the Fish Market. Now I can afford my tuition next semester at the Socialist Youth Academy. Thanks, Daddy! I love you!!

I just finished my first day getting paid to not even show up! But, because it’s a special day I showed up anyway! I am like totally freaked out by all the conscripts showing up as ordered. Their block captains sure have been, like totally busy! I mean, like, tweets are flowing and Facebook is rocking! And best of all…hey, thanks again Daddy, you’re so totally awesome! Now where was I? Oh yeah! I got to see Mr. Emanuel personally at one of his campaign stops! Now, how cool is that! I never knew the Social Security office was such a totally groovin’ pad!

Polar, you wouldn’t believe the mass quantities of commies that are ready to go and do the voodoo that they do so well!!! We just gotta get Rahm elected! Isn’t that like, bodacious or sum tin! We’re getting our purple shirts this afternoon! SEIU is having them delivered with the pizza! I got mine with anchovies in honor of Rahm!

Our first order of business: to help Rahm get the 12,500 signatures from registered voters he needs by November 15th to get on the ballot. I’m so excited! I get to accompany the Campaign Committee down to the cemetery!

To get the roll balling, we’ll be hosting a Petition Drive Kick-off and Swan Lake rehearsal this weekend, October 16th and 17th.  Be sure to bring your tutu! We have three hour-long shifts available and Barney Frank will be visiting us! He’s playing the part of the Nutcracker! I’m so excited, Daddy! It’s going to be just like the Fairytale!

If you would like to attend the Petition Drive Kick-off and dress rehearsal, drop me a line of coke at DeadFishHeads@chicaneryforrahm.com – and be sure to mention how many rocks you need!

Have any BFFs who want to come? Hehe, and I didn’t even know they were breathing heavy! LOL!!! Feel free to bring them along…slowly.

If you’d like to volunteer and haven’t signed up yet, you can can your can at our brand new crack head sign-up page! Kewl!!!

Thank you for all that you do-do, or ca-ca, or whatever! I’m excited to meet you at one of our upcoming events, but I might not remember you after the fun times at the cemetery! Let’s get our petition drive underway!

Thanks, Polar Baby!

Kristin Avery (Daddy’s little sweetheart!)
Volunteer Coordinator, Chicanery for Rahm

P.S. Aren’t these elections just the bomb!

I don’t want to have to keep rewriting your letters, Kristin. Next time, get it right! I appreciate your enthusiasm but it is rather misplaced. Next time, try working on the campaign of a candidate that doesn’t ship dead fish to people. You, know, someone who doesn’t wear tutus, play prison guard for the Israeli Defense Force, or kiss up to Kenyans. You might enjoy your life more.

Both I and my Inbox need the break, Kristin. Get a life. But if you can’t get a life… get a clue.

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  1. Dee L says:

    Quit trolling Democratic web sites and you won’t end up on their mailing lists.