Time to Kick some Liberal Ash
Indonesia isn’t the only place on earth with an active volcano. There’s another one set to explode on November 2, 2010. Geologists tell us that Democrats are already spewing flames; getting all worked up to pop their tops come Tuesday. But conservatives have the perfect response to the coming meltdown. Word on the street has it that the Tea Party is truly going to kick some serious ash!
This conservative pyroclastic flow has been pent up for nearly two years. The pressure has been steadily increasing and the flow has become impossible to contain. The neat thing about a pyroclastic flow is that the turbulent mixture of Republicans, Independents, Libertarians, reborn conservatives, constitutional enthusiasm, and unsorted patriotic emotions can move at high speed. This means that in a single day the volcanic patriotic votes will move East to West: obliterating socialism from Pennsylvania to Ohio, from Utah to Nevada, and from Kentucky, to Florida – where Charlie Crist will be burned to a crisp by a harmonic tremor; a continuous release of conservative seismic energy emitted by the underground Tea Party movement of political magma. Now dude! That is going to be one sweet blast!
Pollsters in Massachusetts report that Barney Frank’s campaign headquarters has been identified as a central point in a New England Ring of Fire. Normally associated (pun intended – think about it) with Frank’s hemorrhoids, the ring of fire will be quenched by a plug – solidified Republican lava that is predicted to fill the conduit to Frank’s volcano. The Sean Bielat plug, as it has become known in geologic circles, first manifested itself when it plugged up Martha Coakley’s quest to fill Ted Kennedy’s seat (another intended pun) with a hard core Scott Brown. Now the plug, usually more resistant to electoral erosion than the sputtering froth spewing from Frank’s bombastic cone – will hopefully be left standing – a solitary pinnacle to conservatism in Frank’s Congressional District when the rest of Frank’s hedonistic rhetoric has eroded away.
In a first for Wisconsin, the pyroclastic flow is expected to cut more than just cheese in the upper Midwest. Russ Feingold, the liberal incumbent Senator from Wisconsin, is scheduled to be squeezed by a heterolithologic mix of different voter types. Instead of being voted out by disgruntled conservatives, Feingold will fall Tuesday to a coalition of disgruntled Democrats, infuriated Tea Partiers, angry independents, and the occasional soccer mom. After the pyroclastic flow hits Milwaukee, the only course left for Feingold will be to ride out of town on a blazing hot Harley Davidson, with a backpack of old limburger leaving no doubt that Feingold took one too many left turns.
For sheer pleasure, the pyroclastic flow will cover San Francisco, where Nancy Pelosi is steadfastly refusing to admit that her ash is getting kicked. What’s more, when she returns to the halls of Congress for the Lame Duck session, it is widely anticipated that her ash is going to get kicked again and again. First, she will lose her position as Speaker of the House – a position she has used and abused. Second, Democrats are in revolt over their losses and will likely kick Pelosi’s ash themselves, perhaps even denying her the position of Minority Leader. Geologists predict that Pelosi’s face is going to crack under the pressure, creating a pit crater formed by the Botox sinking deep into her skin – which will prevent her from venting any more of her eruptions. Pelosi will find herself square in the middle of a rift zone, which is a zone of liberal volcanic features associated with underlying dykes…uh, strike that…meant underlying dikes. Impartial observers will be able to detect Pelosi’s location in the political mess by marking her cracks, faults, and vents. Considering the plethora of such things on her face, it is anticipated that NASA will forego the cost of putting more satellites in geosynchronous orbit and instead triangulate Pelosi’s face to create the first liberal GPS system.
And let us not forget Searchlight, Nevada. It seems the entire pyroclastic flow is aimed right at Harry’s Reed! It will be so hot that the Reed is going to go limp. Harry will run but there will be no place to hide. It has been eons since Searchlight has been flooded, but all things come to those who wait. Searchlight is going to be drenched by a Teanami. Can you say “two of every kind?”
Meanwhile, back at the White House, or perhaps even in India, a splatter cone will erupt. The socialist splatter cone will be identified by a low, steep-sided cone of splatter denial built up on a fissure or vent of unrestrained paranoia and narcissism. Noises usually associated with splatter cones include “What, Me Worry?” and “They are going to have to negotiate with me cuz’ I’m still the president!” The White House Press Corp(se)men will rush to explain away the splatter cone to a gullible public. The Lame Stream Media will rationalize the presence of the splatter cone with excuses such as “the minions are angry, uneducated morons who don’t appreciate the brilliance of Dear Leader,” and “Let them eat cake!” However, the public is gullible no more and a subduction zone is predicted to occur with the socialist tectonic plate being overridden by the Tea Party tectonic plate, which is an irresistible force slamming into an entirely movable object. Despite the massive collision of tectonic plates creating the subduction zone; the tilt of the Obama Administration is going to tilt even more to the left. This tilt will remain firmly in place until 2012 when, geologists say, it will be utterly and completely destroyed by a Tuff ring – a wide-eyed, low-rimmed, well-embedded accumulation of conservative anger built around a volcanic vent located at the U.S. Capitol and aimed directly at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Scientists claim that the Tuff ring will emit such an eruption that those who flee to Chicago might as well continue on to Kenya, because the ejecta will make it unsafe for liberals most everywhere in North America. The commies and tree-huggers may well be forced underground with their little RINO friends, to spend the rest of their miserable lives wondering how they cratered in such a spectacular manner in such a short timeframe.
Two years of living through a communist nightmare has turned the American public into this irresistible force. As disasters go, the Obama regime has been a classic. But out of desperation and necessity the American people are rising up. Election Day is Tuesday. Redemption is here. There is nowhere for the socialists to hide. The Teanami has just reached shore. The waves are piling up so high that Donkeys no longer have time to learn how to swim.
America, this is your time. You are the ones you’ve been waiting for. Get down and dirty. Go kick some liberal ash!
The election is so close that even Barack can see it from his house. Coming at cha’, Barry. It is too late to hide, Barack. You should have listed to Noah. Oh well, live and learn.