It’s RINO Season!

By | October 22, 2010

The World Wildlife Federation just released a report that claimed, in a worst-case scenario, tigers could be extinct in as few as 12 years from now. If we are lucky the same thing will happen to RINOs – The two-legged kind.

RINO Season!We’re off to a good start. A recent report from the field in Pennsylvania, once a RINO stronghold, indicates that an eastern breed of this creature, the Arlenisouras Spectricidious was brought down with a single shot by a local hunter named Pat Toomey. According to Toomey, Arlenisouras Spectricidious has unusual DNA that allowed this RINO to literally change its spots. Not only that, claims Toomey, this RINO also had the unusual ability to toot its own horn. But wait, there’s more! Bird watchers near Pittsburgh report that something fowl was up early one morning a number of months ago. They claim that they actually caught a glimpse of Arlenisouras Spectricidious mating with a Jackass! That’s right; somehow this hideous creature successfully did the deed with a Donkey!

Meanwhile, up the road in Delaware, comes the odd odor of another variant of RINO that went down without so much as a whimper. Mike Castle, a RINO of legendary waffleness, was so old that his Social Security Number was 14. And yet, despite this old RINO’s street smarts, he got out maneuvered by a rookie, once again, on a first shot. Word on the street was that Castle was so depressed that he started yelling “steam shovel!” every time he spotted a backhoe. Martha’s nursing home and tofu factory reports that Castle is currently on life support. His veterinarian, citing medical privacy laws, wouldn’t comment on Castle’s exact malady, but did let it slip that he doesn’t expect Castle to live much past the coming lame duck session of Congress.

It is the same story out West. In Utah, little Bobby Bennett had to take his ball and go home. That’s right, singular. And in Alaska, Lisa MadCowSki is putting up a fight, but the slaughterhouse still intends on turning her into chicken-fried steak on November 2, 2012. They expect to make a profit on her too, considering all the bull she is tossing about. They say it is kind of like chumming for trout, but with a bigger hook…and a couple of paper bags to put over the head. Those two-baggers can make a grown man gag.

Down South there has been a reported sighting of an orange RINO. Charles Darwin would be astonished if he had ever seen the Charlie Crist RINO. It actually evolved from an elephant, got rejected by a Donkey (“not tonight, Charlie, I have a headache”) and is currently on life-support as it goes, kicking and screaming, into that blessed night.

Sliding along to Louisiana, the swamp creature, formerly known as Joseph Cao, is starving to death. It seems he has no cash to finish his campaign – rejected both by Obama and the Republicans. So he wrote directly to the voters: “No Mon, No Fun, Your son.” “Too bad, so sad, your Dad”, replied the Congressional Republicans. So it appears Swamp Creature is going to sink into the muck, never to be seen again.

There are more examples, but you are getting the idea. RINOs are currently on the endangered list, right in between head lice and the giant ground sloth. It is expected that there will be a wholesale slaughter of RINOs in the midterm elections. Voters will recognize them by their hanging chads. Oh, and like the used camel salesman once said, “One hump or two?”

The RINO John McCainBut don’t count the RINOs out quite yet. We have it on good authority that John McCain is alive, well, and polishing his horn. And Orrin Hatch, who claims membership in the Tea Party despite voting to seat Cass Sunstein as a czar, still infects Utah. RINOs aren’t all dead yet. It is going to take several hunting seasons to get their population down to a manageable number. But hope springs eternal. There are now millions of avid hunters. Their prey is slow-moving. The odds are that even more will be bagged in 2012. With a little luck, RINOs will join tigers in the great beyond. Stay tuned, and listen for the horn.

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