It must have been the spinning disco ball – or perhaps the flashing lights, or even the pulsating rhythm of the Bee Gees grinding out “Staying Alive.” Whatever it was, it was strong enough to send the hip 20-something crashing to the dance floor, knocked out like a crazed sex poodle. Someone dialed 9-1-1. Paramedics arrived shortly thereafter, and began life support procedures, but were unable to revive the young man. Fearing the worst (or perhaps the wurst, you’ll see what I mean), an ambulance crew rushed the comatose disco dancer to the nearest emergency room. Upon arrival at the hospital, a close inspection revealed that the man was wearing a pair of leather pants that were so tight-fitting that it may as well have been painted on. Try as they might, the nursing staff couldn’t get those pants off – it was obvious to all concerned that the pants were restricting blood flow – those trousers had to be removed – and quick. In desperation, a member of the medical team pulled out a pair of surgical scissors and literally cut the cowhide off the patient’s groinal (I’ve been waiting all my life for an opportunity to use that word!) region. With blood flow restored, the patient began to revive. Meanwhile, the nursing staff continued cutting leather – proceeding down the thighs. It was then that this obscure emergency room visit made local medical history. The pants removal procedure revealed a giant, and delicious, salami had been stuffed down the patient’s leg – in an obvious attempt to enhance the appearance of the guy’s supposed virility. Like I said before, it was the wurst thing that could have possibly happened to the poor fellow. Now that he’s lost his sausage, I would venture a guess he’s lost a couple of dates, too.
It’s the perfect analogy to the situation the congressional Democrats find themselves in today. Having pranced around in pubic…uh, I mean public, showing off their new-found manhood after the 2008 elections, the Democrats, by all appearances, were destined for stardom. Talk of a 4th Reich abounded, with progressives planning for another crack at a 1,000 year rule. The Democrats held a devastating advantage in the U.S. Senate. There were only 41 Republicans still breathing, and some of those, like Olympia Snowe (R-ME), and Susan Collins (R-ME), were dedicated RINOs. Over on the House side, Queen Pelosi presided over a huge majority. It was the day the Democrats had lusted after for decades. They had just won the Triple Crown of politics: control of the House, control of the Senate, and had a liberal Democratic Administration to boot! Those were the days, my friend; we thought they’d never end. We’d sing and dance forever and a day. La-La-La-La-La.
And then the bubble burst. Once impressed by the gigantic bulge in the Democrats’ pants, the public has finally cut away the leathers and seen for themselves that what they thought was the complete package, pun intended, was nothing more than a Harry Reid. Average Americans lost their infatuation with all things liberal. Perhaps it was ObamaCare – and seeing how sausages are really made, that turned the public off to the Democrats’ kielbasa. Or, perhaps it was the humongous stimulus package (pun intended), and the public decided pork sausage wasn’t for them. Maybe it was all the promised transparency that allowed the public to see that Democrats like Barney Frank weren’t exotic meats like chorizo riojano or lukanec. Rather, they finally figured out that Frank & Company were nothing more than common weenies. And they didn’t like what they saw. Pass the buns, please.
Milzwurst is a sausage made from spleens. And the Democrats sure have some major expleening to do. Like, how do they expleen their dramatic freefall in the polls? And what’s Pelosi’s expleenation for her failure to drain the swamp? And what’s with all the vacations? The Democrats are at a loss to convincingly expleen their failures. So they turn to the only thing they know. They blame Bush. They call us racists, and they denounce as homophobes all who question their moral authority.
Meanwhile, Charlie Rangel and Maxine Waters face a slap on the wrist for their alleged misdeeds. But that’s nothing compared to Representative Eddie Bernice Johnson (D-TX). Seems the esteemed Johnson is being accused of violating the rules of the Congressional Black Caucus (once again, pun intended) by directing scholarship money to her relatives. Of course, being the upstanding citizen that she is, Ms. Johnson has denied any wrongdoing. In fact, she claims she wasn’t even involved in selecting the scholarship recipients. And then the roof caved in. The Dallas Morning News has revealed allegations that Johnson not only knew who was getting the scholarship funds, but that she channeled the funds to her relatives. Oh, wait, there’s more! Evidence presented by The Dallas Morning News suggests she may well have personally intervened when she learned that the funds had been sent to the schools educating these young minds full of mush. Who knows what went on behind the scenes, but, according to The Dallas Morning News, scholarship funds already mailed to Texas Christian University (TCU), somehow got retrieved and new checks were cut – this time the funds bypassed the schools (allegedly) and went straight to the students, once again, allegedly. Those students must really be thankful for sausage. Cuz’ you know, everybody needs a Johnson.
Speaking of Johnsons, has anybody heard from Al Gore lately? It seems that crazed little sex poodle has simply dropped out of sight. Or maybe he just moved to Greenland and is melting his Johnson as that big island gets globally warmed. Think of the possibilities! Instead of a crazed sex poodle, we could end up with a crazed sex puddle on our hands. Naw, that can’t be it. Reliable sources tell us that Greenland isn’t melting after all. It was just another liberal environmental wacko theory. The walruses are safe, guys. But, like Al Gore, are still a little horny. Tusk, Tusk. Perhaps Al Gore will surface next week for the dedication ceremonies of the brand spanking new Carson-Gore Academy. Being the dedicated tree hugger that he is, Gore must be awfully proud of the fact that this school, named after him, was built on what amounted to a toxic waste dump. The dirty dirt has since been removed, but the Gore lives on in infamy. From ABC News:
“It’s unconscionable that this is condoned by environmental leaders,” said Jane Williams, the executive director of the non-profit environmental group California Communities Against Toxics. “I’d like to hear from Mr. Gore.”
“I’d like to hear about what he thinks about sending children to a school that’s been built on contaminated soil,” Williams said. “Silence is a form of condoning something like that.”
You can read the complete story here.
The midterm elections may very well prove to be all that’s needed to turn the congressional Democrats into kippered snacks. Smelling victory close at hand, the GOP is rubbing salt in the Democrats’ wounds, while simultaneously; Obama is hanging them out to dry. Check it out for yourself, that’s the perfect recipe for kippering your congressman.
Back in 1989, the company I worked for at the time was awarded a contract to do some engineering work for Snap-On-Tools. It’s a good company that makes great tools. Fortunately, for them, this story isn’t about the tool industry – well, not their kind of tools. I’m just setting the stage here. My good friend, Ron, got the call to travel to Kenosha, Wisconsin for preliminary work on the contract. When he returned to the office after his trip, he was turning purple with laughter about the goings on in the Dairy state. We’ve been discussing salami and Johnsons, so I can’t resist sharing this with you. And I’m sure I will somehow relate this story to the Democrats’ plight.
It seems some poor guy, name not released for obvious reasons, decided to play shade tree mechanic with his riding lawn mower. He put the beast up on concrete blocks, and then scooted underneath the mechanical monster to do who-knows-what. Well, the mower apparently slipped off the blocks and came crashing down on his Johnson – sliced it off clean! Luckily for him it wasn’t a mulcher. Both he and his Johnson were rushed to the hospital, where surgeons, in a desperate attempt to keep Johnson in office, grafted that LBJ onto the man’s forearm – must have cost him a fortune in shirt alterations. After Ron finished telling the story, spittle spewing from his mouth, the joke around the office was that the guy obviously had a Snap-Off-Tool. Don’t believe me? Just read about it!
Well, the Democrats sure have sliced their collective Johnsons off since Obama took office, haven’t they! They put the economy up on blocks with their socialist agenda and yet that darn economy somehow slipped off the blocks and mulched their Johnsons off right at their Bush tax cuts. Now the Main Stream Media is working furiously to reattach said severed liberal Johnsons to their congressional districts. It’s going to cost them a fortune in television ads. And that small fortune in attack ads isn’t going to matter at all. They are all going to end up like Haggis – stuffed.
So here we are post-Labor Day, when Obama announced he wanted another $50 billion stimulus so he can buy more porkulus sausage. Nobody knows yet if it will be maple-flavored. And guess what? Seems the Democrats don’t want any more of his doubled-down pig grindings. Doesn’t Obama get it? Voters don’t want his Johnson. They don’t want Harry’s Reid. And they don’t want Barney’s Frank. They want Johnsonville – now that’s some fine pork!
Obama is a one trick pony. All he knows is tax and spend. Congressional Democrats are just as dedicated as Obama to stupid economic theories, but they also know they’ve got first class tickets on the next train out of town. Their only chance of survival is for Obama to actually pass a conservative jobs bill by lowering taxes. Otherwise, they’re next for the sausage grinder – coming their way on November 2nd. But Obama, that one trick pony, will never deviate from his Porkulus II ghetto economics plan. It’s tantamount to throwing the congressional Democrats under the bus. There is no honor among thieves. Obama used the congressional Democrats for his own agenda. Now they’ve become expendable. Obama’s the Jackass and the congressional Democrats are his bung fodder. No matter how they grind it, the congressional Democrats know they are history – pawns in Obama’s tragic theater. Expect the wailing and gnashing of teeth to get louder and louder – reaching a crescendo on November 1st. They won’t go down without a sound. Pigs scream, too, when they’re butchered. November 2nd will be much quieter. Salami goes down smooth, any way you slice it.
The midterm elections should be delightful. The congressional Democrats are going to get their Johnsons sliced off. And, unlike that poor fellow back in Wisconsin, there won’t be skilled surgeons on hand to graft their Johnsons to another 2-year term. Would you believe it? There’s a graft shortage! Get over it already, Barney Frank. Turn the other cheek.
By the way, progressives, how do you like your Johnson? Grilled? Fried? Scorched? Fine. Do your wurst, congressional Democrats. You’re fired.